freeedommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

now lets play

because its so easy for you to hold someone else so fast and so difficult for me to even take a hand.

shoot yourself in the face thanks

xcassiexox:

Better pics, super happy with it :D just birds and blossom to finish

My blog seems to have gone down because of the weather. so ill just word vomit here.

first. Thanks to everyone who called texted msgd me to ask if i am ok.

i honestly felt alone.

but you all reminded me that i am not.

__________________________________________________________

I am dealing. I don’t think you ever get over something like this. That’s how it feels anyways, never experienced it before so I can only guess. right now i feel very empty and i keep feeling like there someone i need to call, msg, say i love you to. i cant even begin to explain the feeling i have in my chest? my heart? just inside of me. its a pain that i can say is almost physical.

I was very angry when I wrote that post but when I clicked post I felt so much better. Then when I did it again I felt better again. There is never justification for revenge and i know that. But when they say revenge doesn’t heal the heart they were not lying because it doesn’t. What they do failed to mention is that it does in fact help.

It still hurts obviously. Its fresh. I want an explanation but I can only accept “I don’t know why i did it” so many times until I want to rip out your throat. I can only hear I love you so many times before the words lose its beautiful meaning. There is no turning back to this.

I hear stories of people going back or staying with those who betray them and all i can say is how can you degrade yourself like that. How? because I have no idea how I can even look, think, dream or speak of that person the same way ever again.

I am still trying to piece together what I have learned. So far I realized that while my early tewnties should have been a time to learn to be independent and strong, I let someone be strong for me. To make decisions for me. To carry my emotions. I know this because the first thing that came to my mind was not a sadness of why is this happening. It was a fear of not knowing what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to do it, where does my left foot do after i lift it.

…

HA. no fucking thanks.

Its…

Just…..unsatisfying.

I’m such an idiot.

meh.

well hello there. I feel a rant arising. so prepare thy self for some word vomit.

and

here

goes.

As each day passes I am slowly very slowly starting to forget what happened. Everyday I forcefully surpress the memories because its not right to obsess over it. Its true what my mom said. It sounds like its more than it should be, more than we claim it is. Its a lie. I don’t even know if I have the courage to deal with this right now, and if I dont I will just forget.

3/4 of my post was just deleted….. soooo not re writing everything

fine line

There is a fine line between__________________________________________

I’m in s2 with my french teacher

Nothing will change if you don’t put in the effort

I am more confused now, than I was before.

For the past two weeks or so I have been trying to decide what I wanted to do with this friendship.

Do I want to keep trying or just let it go?

One person tells me to man up and make the moves. The other tells me its not my fault, why am I caving in.

The honest truth is, I miss you alot. I didnt realize how much until I saw you that saturday.

This friendship meant alot to me. Means alot to me. You are first person I want to tell things to, first person I want to tell a joke to, the first person I want to tell that I got my G! to (got it last week btw).

But each time I had to remind myself that you dont even want to talk to me.

I think the only way for us to get over this is to either talk about (because if we dont, its just going to happen again…which i think …it did in a span of five mins)…. talk about it or just forget it. Im always going to have these nagging questions in my head. I still don’t for certain know whats going on.

I think soon. soon I will maybe have the courage to tell you all this.